Going Home

I had a dream a month ago. It’s difficult to describe because I find I can feel emotions in dreams that don’t occur while awake. The closest description of how this dream felt was like embracing a long lost friend you care deeply about, or going home after a long absence. Since then I’ve had it recur, with different events and locations, but the same joyous feeling. I’ve had dreams like this before and they always motivate me to change my life, but I’m never sure how. I don’t have a home to go back to. And the events in the dreams, while not supernatural, are still equally impossible.

I don’t have a home both in the literal and metaphorical sense. My childhood home I spent my first two decades in was sold long ago, and all the people who made that home what it was have all moved on or died. I’ve been living apartment to apartment for years now. None of them have any attachment to me.

I’m also missing the most important part of a home: people. I’ve lived in this city for 3 years, and I still don’t know anyone here. It looks like that isn’t going to change for the foreseeable future either with virus concerns. I’m stuck. I have a dream I want to make a reality, but how?

Working out hard

I’ve settled on a strategy which I have been pursuing for the past month: Work out a lot. I hope this will serve the following purposes:

  • Make me more attractive.
  • Build confidence.
  • Accomplish something I never have before.

I’ve always been fit, in the cardio sense, since I was in University. I’m addicted to running and there’s no reason to change that. However I’ve learned that shouldn’t be the end goal. My current body would be described as “skinny fat”. I have a high body fat %, but a comparatively normal BMI. What has never occured to me, until now, is how much more attractive I could be if I transformed my skinny fat body into one that resembles the ideal physical form, which is of course Brad Pitt in Fight Club.

First, I did not know this was the ideal male physique. And second, it doesn’t look too difficult to accomplish. I’d need to gain 20-30lbs of muscle, and lose 10-15lbs of fat. Definitely doable within a year. It took me all of my life to realize this because of a flaw I have.

I assume other people see the world the same way I do

Time and time again this is not just proven false, but ridiculously false. And this is one of those examples where I eventually shifted my view after countless hours of research and analysis.

How I see the world is especially wrong when it comes to dating, Which I have chosen to take a break from for at least 6 months or until I closely resemble Mr. Pitt. For example, there is a wide swatch of body types I am attracted to. My female counterpart, someone who doesn’t work out and has some extra fat here and there, I find insanely attractive. I find Women who look like models unattractive. In my opinion the before pictures in diet commercials sometimes look better than the after. My assumption was that women are the same way. A woman with an unflattering body type would be most attracted to someone with a similar body type. If this were true then I wouldn’t have to do anything for dating. All the skinny fat women(which there are many) would be all over me. They’re not. Since I don’t find the comparative Brad Pitt body on a female attractive I didn’t think I should make myself look like that either. I am not sure why this isn’t the way the world works, but it isn’t. Unlike for women where improving their physique can make them less attractive to me, improving my physical fitness is always a net positive. A man would only begin to see negative interest from certain people when approaching a more Arnold Schwarzenegger physique, which is well outside my capabilities.

I’ve always hated these realizations when I find out the rest of the world doesn’t work how I do. I’m the outlier. I’m the observer. Lucky I’m able to change and adapt.

Back to going home

My plan to “go home” means getting so fit that I am extremely attractive. Then all the women will want to date me and I can pick someone who isn’t incredibly broken. I’ll be so cool and popular everyone will want to be my friend and I’ll do cool things every day. Then I’ll go back to my high school reunion and everyone will be really impressed and retroactively make me prom king.

It’s ridiculous and vain. But what else am I going to do during lockdown? I’m going to burn. Because I haven’t tried it yet.