Suffering

I don’t really update this anymore. There is a reason for that. I’m still working relentlessly on self improvement, but I haven’t felt the desire to talk about it. In part because nobody reads this, and secondly because I don’t enjoy going into the psychological place where I acknowledge I am not happy with my life due to various circumstances and the only way to improve my life is to literally change who I am.

Invisible

I do have some articles on this site that people read, but none of them relate to being a shy lonely nerd struggling to find his home. There are a lot of men like me out there, and we’re all invisible. There isn’t a social movement to accept us. There isn’t a self help book that can fix us. Even the others like me are far more likely to live in complacency, or turn to conservatism so they could point to a different group of people who are responsible for their misery.

If my research could point to a single truth on why intelligent, shy, and not especially attractive men are socially and romantically worthless, it would be simply because of human nature and evolution. Us nerds are successful in a world that our ancestors couldn’t imagine being in. Put us back in the wild savannah and we would be dead in a week. The other men, the ones who aren’t kept awake all night worrying about jaguars will survive. The men with the strength to throw their spears the farthest will eat the best. The men who act with violence to secure the future of themselves and their family would inherit the earth.

And this brings me to why I don’t see a reason to update this any more. It’s the catch 22 where in order to be an attractive man, I can’t be worrying about the reasons why I am not. I have to change myself to be better, while at the same time not thinking about how I am changing myself to be better. Much of this is psychological. As long as I have not 100% reached my self improvement goals I don’t feel like I’m worthy to be successful, because I know I haven’t reached my goals. And I may never reach my goals.

I have come to this realization by analyzing my subconscious. The human brain is weird, and I don’t think it works at all like we think. We are the subconscious, it is what drives us, it gives us our ideas, it is everything. If my subconscious knows my height is unattractive to most women then it will dictate my behavior, thoughts, body language, everything will reinforce that belief.

Consciousness is a rowboat trying to steer on a violently flowing river of subconsciousness. Control may be possible in time, but it is not easy.

I will continue to improve, but I can’t dwell on it. There are very real forces working against me that are outside my control, but they may not be as great as the force I work against myself. And besides, no one else cares. This struggle will be my own.

That said, I will do one passing update to document my achievements. Specifically in the 3 areas of improvements I’ve mentioned before. Physically, Mentally, and Financially.

Physically

I’ll start out with maybe the worst. I am a scrawny nerd at the very bottom percentile of men. I don’t look strong or masculine in pretty much any way. And that hasn’t really changed.

I have worked out quite a lot over the past year+. But in terms of muscle growth: not much. Even my overall weight isn’t really any different than when I started out. It’s still impossible to find pants or shirts in adult categories that fit me will. And if you were to compare a photo of me from over a year ago and one today (with clothes on) you likely wouldn’t see any difference at all. I suspect I have found the reason.

I have low testosterone. Not clinically low, where I could get a doctor to prescribe injections, but low enough where I would be in better competition with an average 90 year old man, instead of my own mid 30s. I’m solutions oriented so I’ve come up with some ideas to improve my T levels.

First, and what I’m trying now, is to naturally increase my testosterone through as many natural ways as I can find. This includes supplements known to increase testosterone such as Tongkat Ali, and Ashwagandha (I definitely notice some psychological affects from these as well that I’ll talk about later). I am taking additional vitamins that may increase T: Zinc, Magnesium, Vitamin D, and some other things that I may add or remove as I’m not sure about them. I’m also trying to change my diet: Less intermittent fasting and more higher protein and good fats and cholesterols, less sugar. Lastly, I’m changing my workouts to include more larger muscle groups that I previously didn’t focus on since their development didn’t affect attractiveness.

I will continue this routine for 3 months and then check my testosterone levels again. If my T is still low I will have a few options: 1. Keep trying with the natural stuff. There are more ideas I can try such as changing my diet, increasing vitamin D, working out harder, etc. 2. Go the opposite way: do everything that lowers testosterone to try to get my T levels low enough that a doctor will prescribe Testosterone Replacement Therapy. 3. Start juicing illegally.

None of those options are especially good, so I hope my current strategy works out and I start making some gains. Also, as an estimate to my changing testosterone levels I am following my horniness. The logic being that I am more randy the higher my T levels are. If I notice a change in my libido I try to keep doing the same things to keep it “up”. This also means I am on a strict nofap diet, which isn’t shown to increase testosterone long term but conceptually makes sense to me. I’ve already gone over 4 months. I am extremely motivated.

Mentally

This category is potentially better. My overall goal is to reduce anxiety so I have an easier time opening up to other people. In this case “opening up” doesn’t mean telling people about my problems, but being the best me: A confident man who isn’t afraid of people not liking him. My anxiety forces me into being a social chameleon, someone who adapts the views and behaviors of people around me to fit in. This can be exhausting and I’d rather if I could just be “myself”.

I think I’m making progress. I have an easier time talking to random people, and have even engaged in small talk with various strangers: check out clerks, random people in lines. But I don’t have the volume of interactions to really determine if I’m getting better.

I have made a friend, which is unusual for me, but is absolutely vital to my overall progress. I get to do so many more things now and I am grateful for it.

I think my progress is due to two factors: a more CBT mindset which is helping me not care as much. This is related to the struggle of navigating the subconscious. All my anxiety stems from the subconscious so anytime I feel it rising I have to be aware of it and immediately nip it off. I believe this is working.

Secondly, I believe the supplements Ashwagandha and Tongkat Ali have an effect of reducing cortisol. Even when I am in a stressful situation, I don’t feel the same cascading effect of anxiety. This helps my conscious mind rationalize the anxiety away and I can move on. I could really go on to great detail on how I feel this process working, and the massive significance improvement makes on me, but this is just a summary. I still feel anxiety, it just becomes less overwhelming. I will continue to work on this for the rest of my life.

I think I am ready to take my efforts to the next level. I think that would include volunteering in a social setting, and/or increasing my traveling and being around other people, which I can do more of now due to the last category.

Financially

I may be bottom percentile in my body size, but I am top percentile in my finances. And this time I’ve really done it.

My (somewhat) hard work on making my own business has paid off. I have multiple websites with solid income stream, and they are generic enough I can use any number of affiliates to generate income. In summary: I can put my eggs in multiple baskets and my income is more reliable. I’m also making ridiculous amounts of money.

I don’t even know how much money I am making since it is increasing every month, but my estimates already put my yearly income at well over what I was making at my previous job. Not only do I now have enough money that I never have to work again, I also have so much income that it wouldn’t even MAKE SENSE for me to start working again. I make more money by devoting my time to my business instead of slaving away for a corporation. And my business is almost entirely automated so I have to work very little.

I have unlimited time and unlimited money and it is so amazing I don’t even know how to feel about it. It’s like winning the lottery but even better because I know my own work and intelligence did this. Money is my one bright spot where I know I am doing better than everyone else.

I have started traveling. I just got back from one of my trips. I’m already planning the next. Something about going to new places and seeing new things makes me uniquely happy. And at the moment there is nothing stopping me. I only wish there were other people who could do this with me. It is lonely at the top.

The End

I don’t know if I’ll update this again. Maybe I’ll rework a website to be more about building an online business and living off the income, something I am uniquely experienced in.

But I’m doing okay. I’m not complaining about the reasons I’m still alone. And I really do feel like I’m doing much better. I don’t know if I have a reason to keep writing about my life. Sure, I still don’t have a girlfriend, but that will happen eventually. Maybe this is a good stopping point for this site. I’m not all the way there, but I’m close enough. And I’m enjoying life enough that I don’t have as much time to waste on analyzing the reasons why I don’t have everything I want. Maybe this is close enough. Maybe I’m good enough.