I’ve been coming out of my chrysalis, and not much has changed.

The overall goal of my self improvement was to improve my dating prospects so that I would never be involuntarily alone again. I have started dipping my toes back into the market. I made an okcupid and a tinder profile. The results are… basically the same as they were before my self improvement. Not Great, Not terrible, maybe a couple matches a day. This isn’t entirely unexpected, but I have a few more reasons to be hopeful.

I don’t look a whole lot different than I did before. My weight is about the same, but with more muscle and less fat. But the difference is only 5-10 pounds of gained muscle. It’s not really enough to notice with clothes on, or even off. This is ok, and as I continue my intermittent fasting I am noticing more face gains and better muscle definition. This will take a year or longer before I’m actually where I want to be fitness-wise.

Where I really want to change is my mind, and that is mixed as well. First, one of my goals was to be happier being single, and that is true. Even though I definitely wouldn’t have bothered with any self improvement if women were already flocking to me, I have begun to enjoy the self improvement process. It is rewarding in its own right even without considering the effects on dating.

The next mental aspect I wanted to address is the crushing defeat I feel after continuous days of rejection and no prospects. I’ve already realized I have a hypersensitivity to how people perceive me and online dating is exposing oneself to the absolutely worst of the worst. I have noticed I do still descend into the darkness, but I am aware of it. As long as I keep my awareness of it I will not descend too far. I’ve made an axiom that I repeat myself when I become aware of people viewing me negatively: “It doesn’t matter what someone thinks of you, only how you react to that knowledge”. Being decisive is good, making some people dislike you is fine.

Then I have my behavior. I often (more like always) follow a pattern of passivity with online dating where I wait to see how a person feels about me before I make any decisive action. I am still doing this, but I am aware of it. This type of passivity is instant failure in online dating. Adjusting this behavior will take time, it is deeply ingrained. I have a problem where I try to think of a better behavior in the moment and I am at a loss, I just haven’t practiced being my own person around people enough.

It feels good to write this out here. Things aren’t the best, but I’m not nearly done yet. I have more work to do. I am better aware of my shortcomings. I have also been meditating regularly and I think that helps. I need to increase my meditation time. I am dedicated to continue working on this.